I used to frequent bars more regularly. Although it might have to do a lot with age and maturity, I have a small suspicion it has to do with the worst thing the internet ever produced: the internet jukebox! This invention sucks because anyone with a dollar and a hankering for “Piano Man” will ruin an otherwise good night.

These dreaded things are popping up everywhere. To me, a bar’s character is built a lot on the song selection provided by the bartenders and management. A good, old-fashion jukebox is like going through their record collection. It’s one of the three reasons I hang at the bars I do. Its part of the Holy Trinity of requirements I look for in a good watering hole: the father (price), the son (crowd), and the Holy Ghost (music).

When a new bar opens in the area, I first see if they sell the local domestic and at what cost. Now, many places try to weed out the riff-raff by inflating these prices. While that’s a good way to keep the douches at bay, you might also keep out some very cool, but otherwise broke, characters. There are some cool places downtown you can catch some of these people, like the alcoholic college professor that I see every once in a while at the Old Toad.

So I beg you bar owners; stick with the personalized/ CD playing jukebox! If you’re having trouble, I’ll give you some tips on not to stock it with:

· To keep a cool crowd from getting too frat-like and meat-headed, you might want to ease up a bit on the Dave Mathews Band. Rumor has it that there’s a good album somewhere by these guys, but no one has proven that to me yet.

· Although Metallica sounds great in the weight room, it doesn’t really mix well when alcohol is involved.

· Also, stay away from any rap-rock. The last thing anyone needs is for Limp Bizkit to come through the speakers getting some Neanderthal’s blood pumping. All of a sudden bottles are being thrown and toilets are being busted. As a matter of fact, you might want to stay away from the whole ‘modern rock’ genre. A little Nirvana is alright, but unless you’re playing Unplugged, you’re rolling the dice.

What you want to do is get the perfect mix of classic songs and some choice new cuts. You can never go wrong with Motown or classic soul. The first thing most people do when they hear that stuff is sing along, not eye-gouge someone, and it’ll better sell your product. If you’re going the classic rock route (and this blog is on wcmf.com, by the way), do a little more “Help!” than “Freebird,” or “Hotel California.” Long guitar solos work better in the shower or the car, or anywhere else where you’re alone and you’re not afraid to break out some serious air-guitar.

If you’re going to play new tunes, stay away from anything too aggressive and don’t over do it with the Top 40. Beyonce played at the right time can get almost anyone dancing and singing, but too much R&B will attract the barbarians like flies to poo. If a beat is what you’re looking for, veer a bit more eclectic with some MGMT, Girl Talk, and the newest Portishead. Granted, they’re not familiar to a large number of people, but the influences and beats (especially Girl Talk) will still hit the right nerves. Besides, it might help thin out the herd of the willingly unenlightened (even though I’m half in that group – but I’m working on it).

MGMT - Kids

Girl Talk -

Next up: Best Drinking Songs